I’ve entered the third trimester. I was just as surprised as anyone when this happened. And I had no idea.
KW, MG, EP, and CC came over the other night to help HC install a light fixture. I’m useless these days, and I know nothing about electrical work. Anyway, KW asked me how far along I was. I said 25 weeks. She said, I guess you gotta keep it. I said, Yeah, we’re stuck. Then KW said something like, Yeah, that’s what the third trimester means. And it hit me: Oh, Christ! I’m in the third trimester! Early in the third trimester, but still. I didn’t see it coming. At all.
But really, I shouldn’t be surprised. Because while I’ve been crazy busy at work, my body has continued to grow, grow, grow. My stomach is so big that HC walked into it twice while we were at the store the other day. And I’ve noticed that putting on my socks and shoes is becoming harder and harder to do. Already, I’ve had to move to the cross-your-legs plus the sideways-sock-application technique. Bending has become so annoying that, if something falls, chances are it stays there. Oh, and pretty much every meal I get something on myself. And by “on myself” I mean on my breasts or stomach.
And my morning routine! Jesus! Now that is different. I used to be the girl who would be ready from start to finish – including a shower – in 20 minutes. I had it down to a science. Well, that and I didn’t do much primping. I always deal with my hair, but that really was the most time consuming part of my routine. Now? Well, let’s just say there are more steps.
– Longer showers. Apparently, more surface area means more time in the shower. I never thought this was true, but now I think there’s something to this. That and being in the shower is the only time my back feels okay.
– Drying my hair. Okay, pre-pregnancy I would dry my hair occasionally. But not every time I showered. (I initially typed “every day”. But that would imply that I showered everyday. And that would be a lie. And if I didn’t call myself out, I know HC would. He loves to point out things that he believes makes me gross. I hate that guy sometimes.) These days, drying my hair is mandatory. My hair is just off. I can’t explain it. It’s drier and… I don’t know. Just off. So it requires more work.
– Face cream. I have used face cream for as long as I can remember. But my skin is so dry that I use two face creams, applying them at different times: first, the heavier cream, then the lighter one right before I’m ready to leave the house.
– Body lotion. Speaking of dry skin, holy moly! My skin has been so dry, it’s stupid. Seriously. Okay, so everyone’s skin is a little drier in the winter. But I am required – REQUIRED – to put lotion all over my body after showering. And it’s not just one lotion, either. I have the belly butter nonsense that I apply to the ever-expanding belly and two different body lotions that I rotate. There’s no real rhyme or reason to the rotation. It’s just two bottles of lotions I’ve had FOREVER because I never need to use lotion. That’s right – never. Sometimes for my hands in the winter, and the face, of course. But that’s it. Oh, and maybe after extensive sun. But I just don’t need lotion. Until now. And it’s bullshit.
– Make Up. As I’ve mentioned, I’m wearing make up now. I started out slowly, but have picked up steam. Okay, so it’s not like I wear a lot of make up or anything. I mean, BB would be WAY less than impressed with my efforts. But I manage to wear concealer and mascara every day. I sometimes spice it up with some powder and eyeshadow. But not often. Still, the concealer and mascara are a victory and incredibly necessary. Because I look horrendous. Like every day.
Now all this is bad and has added like 20 additional minutes to my morning routine. But because I continue to refuse to read frightening books like What to Expect When Expecting, I didn’t know that there was more bad and weird to come.
So I was in the shower yesterday, soaping up this massive lump under my lady lumps and I noticed something strange. I noticed that I didn’t notice my belly button. About two weeks ago, I noticed that my belly button was seeming to expand. It was like it was stretching from side to side, changing from a circle to a sideways quarter-sized oval. I didn’t give it much thought, other than it was grossing me out. I just hoped that it was a temporary thing that would fix itself when my Dark Passenger comes out in a painless and clean way. But no, turns out that this was a temporary stage that would lead to a more disturbing mutation of my belly button. That’s right – my belly button is disappearing! Somehow, somewhere along the way, my belly button shrunk to a perfectly round dime. Well, dime is being generous. I put a dime on my stomach for a side-by-side and my belly button is like half the size of a dime. And it’s so shallow! What the…
HC suggested I take a picture of this freakish situation so you can see what I’m talking about. But I can’t get a good shot. And HC has already told me that he won’t take a picture of it because it grosses him out. Not that I want to defend him, but it is really disgusting.
I can’t even imagine what’s next.