This past Saturday night, I went to a dinner party at AM and MB’s place. AM was hosting a few friends from NJ and asked me to join. A free meal – with plenty of alcohol – plus a little Hoopla? I’m there. And it was well worth it.
With the exception of having a bizarre convo with MC’s boyfriend – which included me, very passionately and very drunkenly, describing, badly, my very strong feelings about the state of America’s newspapers (trust me, I was as surprised as anyone about this drunken and disconnected convo) – the night was a success.
And, as you might have guessed from the above description, I drank too much. Way too much.
Feeling as though it was not a good idea to tempt fate and try to drive myself home, I slept at AM’s. Good decision all around.
The next morning, after yet another fantastic meal provided by Team AM/MB, I headed home. I was a little worse for wear and was anxiously anticipating putting on my pjs and laying on the couch for most or all of the day.
I got home, parked illegally, as I am apt to do (on weekends especially… and when I’m feeling lazy), and walked toward my front door.
That’s when it happened.
So I think I’ve explained that I am not really a nature girl. I’ve gotten much better about it over time. But generally speaking, I don’t care for wildlife. This includes incests, animals, wide-open spaces, and otherwise dangerous locales. You would think that, in Dupont Circle, I would have little, if any, trouble avoiding nature.
But you’d be wrong.
So I approach the front door and notice that there is a squirrel hanging out in front. Okay, so it’s a squirrel. I’m bigger, stronger, and faster than a squirrel. Even in my current unhealthy state, I know these things to be true. But this squirrel worried me.
And here’s why.
This guy just wouldn’t get off the front step of my apartment building. No, as I approached the door, this guy turned around and got into a very aggressive stance in front of me while staring dead into my face.
It wasn’t quite this:
Or this, really:
But this guy looked committed to protecting the front porch. Seriously, this guy was looking for a fight. And, truth be told, I was fearing this:
On a different day, I would have been ready for this showdown, and I would have been all in. But in my broken state, I just wanted to lay down.
Still, I have a hard time walking away from a bully. So I decided to take a step toward the squirrel and use my extreme size to scare him away.
What did this guy do, you ask? Oh, this guy took a step toward me. WHAT THE… Yeah.
Now we locked eyes. Still committed to my largess being key, I stepped to the right. He STEPPED TO THE RIGHT. I stepped to the left. He STEPPED TO THE LEFT.
Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?!?!
At this point, some woman with way too large sunglasses and an i-Pod approached. I was right in the middle of the sidewalk, trying to keep a safe distance from this deranged squirrel. Clearly annoyed that I was in the middle of the sidewalk, this woman looked at me and saw that I had a situation on my hands. She jumped a little when she saw that squirrel in that aggressive stance of his, just staring at me, and said, “Oh, no! He looks so scared.”
Okay, so this is the thing I don’t understand about “animal” people. He’s scared? This is what you’re telling me? This guy in the aggressive stance, eye-balling me and refusing to abide by the unspoken rules of the urban wild – which is, essentially, I won’t kill you if you move out of the way – he’s the scared one? This is what you’re saying? Fuck that! I was the scared one here. I was the one who was merely trying to drag my hungover ass home after responsibly avoiding driving the night before. Scared? No, this is not how I would describe this guy. Rabid? Antagonistic? Completely irritating? All yes. Scared? Fuck that.
Realizing that my strategy wasn’t working, I decided to just walk away. Turns out, all this little bastard wanted to do was prove a point. Because as soon as I walked back across the street, he went on with his day of smelling flowers, searching for acorns, and crapping on himself.
But I believe I got the last laugh. Because I got inside. And I sat on the couch all day.
Okay, so maybe he did win this one. Well done, Mr. Squirrel. Well done. Till we meet again.