This could be one of the most shocking things I’ve ever heard. And I don’t shock easily.
Okay, so let me start by saying that I am not a prude. Well, I generally don’t kiss and tell. (Other than the other night when I responded to MJ’s compliment about the red turtleneck I was wearing by saying, “I hate turtlenecks. No matter how cold it is, I always get overheated. But I have a hickey on my neck and was forced to interact with the public today. So, turtleneck it is. …I know, it’s like 1990 up in here again.”) But I am not a prude. I even polled a few friends just to double check on this and they agree.
And I believe that, so long as the parties agree and everyone is of consenting age and no one gets hurt (unless they want to), adults should be allowed to do pretty much whatever they choose behind closed doors. Just because it might not be my cup of tea, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t float another’s boat, so to speak.
Now that we got that out of the way…
Oh, wait. One other thing. If you are a mom of a friend of mine and you are reading this post (thank you so much for tuning in, by the way), I strongly suggest that you STOP READING right now. Trust me, it will be best for all of us in the long run.
Okay, now I’m ready…
So I was g-chatting with a friend earlier (thank G-d and Baby Jesus for g-chatting coming into my life) about a convo she had with a friend recently. The friend is not in a good relationship and stories from her are generally chock full of her boyfriend of two years treating her really, really badly. While all terrible and each offense, on it’s own, being a justifiable reason to break up, every thing was verbal in nature.
So it turns out that Prince Charming, instead of waking his girlfriend up by, I don’t know, saying “Good morning!”, he chooses to…
Wait for it…
It’s worth it…
PUT. HIS. BALLS. IN. HER. MOUTH.
I don’t shock easily. I was shocked by this story. You wake someone up by… Wait, what’s that now? You put your what in her what? Seriously. I’m still shocked.
I had to tell someone about this immediately, because, I mean, we are talking balls in the mouth here. So I called HC at work. This was our convo:
Me (in a hurried and frantic pace): Do you have 30 seconds for me to tell you the craziest fucking thing I’ve ever heard?
HC (slightly annoyed): Yes. 30 seconds.
Me: So I was talking to (a friend) and she told me that her friend’s boyfriend – BOYFRIEND, okay, like they have been dating for more than two years – wakes her up – like FREQUENTLY – by PUTTING. HIS. BALLS. IN. HER. MOUTH.
Me: (HC)? Isn’t that crazy?!
HC: Well, I wouldn’t want to wake up that way.
Me: Right?! That’s fucking crazy, right?
HC: It’s weird the things you get used to.
Me: WHAT?! Yeah, maybe in prison. But my apartment isn’t in Guantanamo. So unless I’m under attack, I don’t expect to be woken up with BALLS. IN. MY. MOUTH.
HC: Maybe it was inadvertent.
Me: Inadvertent, REPEATED insertion of one’s balls into the mouth of the person peacefully sleeping next to him?! This is what you’re saying? Are you insane?!
What the fuck?! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that my Boy Scout boyfriend was thinking of ways of defending this guy. For what reason, I don’t know. But still.
Anyway, so having had some time to cool off and think about this with a more level head, here’s the thing. I’m not taking issue with the act itself. It’s the context that gets me. It just seems so … objectifying and abusive, is I think what I’m looking for. While I can see paying for that type of objectification (fantasies come in all shapes and sizes), I can’t really wrap my mind around it in the context of a day-to-day relationship. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about cuffs or whips or, I don’t know, BEING AWAKE and CAPABLE OF CONSENTING here. But I especially don’t get it after one of the parties has stated her objection. Because that’s the key, really. All’s fair until someone says it isn’t. And then it’s not. Sure, we can revisit it. Especially if it is important to one of the parties. But I have a hard time believing that it is really important to someone’s fulfillment of a healthy sex life to wake his partner, REPEATEDLY, by putting his balls in her/his mouth. I just can’t.
Beyond that, I just don’t want to be woken up this way. I think ALJ put it best:
ALJ: I wouldn’t want (my husband) to put chocolate cake in my mouth to wake me up. And I love chocolate cake.