Without much provocation, my family members say and do some crazy things. Below is a list of comments and/or actions from my time at home over Christmas.
- My cousin, carrying 5 champagne glasses containing mimosas: “Can you pull that out before it explodes all over you.”
- Upon giving my cousin a beautiful beaded necklace, my friend says: “I got you anal beads. Merry Christmas.”
- Because she vowed never to wrap a gift again, my aunt bought a bunch of holiday bags at the dollar store a few years back and recycles them. This seems like a great idea, except that she doesn’t remove or cover up the To/From labels from previous years and just writes the new To/From information on the old card. So Christmas morning in her house consists of my aunt’s husband and two kids trying to figure out which gift goes to who. It is often the case that someone will open a gift to delight only to learn that the gift actually belongs to someone else. And almost at the same time you can hear the “What?! No!” and “Yes!” from the parties involved.
- Same aunt sent holiday cards to her sisters with the following note: “Dear [Sister & Brother-in-law], Hope this note finds you well. Things are better here now that Jim Bob is out on parole. Happy Holidays. Love, Emily, Jim Bob, and the Triplets.” The return address lists the family’s last name as “Dickwad.” Though they suspect the holiday card is a joke, my parents continue to rack their brains to figure out who these people are. My mother says, “Emily and Jim Bob Dickwood? I don’t know these people.” Then she says “Emily and Jim Bob Dickward? Who are these people?” Then she gets it – sorta, “Wait a minute – does that say Dickwad?! What kind of name is that?!”
- On Christmas morning, another aunt who is nearing 80 said: “I’ve read one book in my life. Little Woman. I had to do a book report. You had to do book reports back then. You know, they made a movie out of that book.”
- Discussing the multitude of Christmas cards my mother received, talk turns to the cards with photos. Zeroing in on one photo in particular, my aunt asks, “What’s wrong with that picture? I mean, look at that.” My cousin responded, earnestly, “It was taken on a cell phone. By the stripper babysitter.”
- My mother, who outdid herself this Christmas, made the most delicious lasagna. She even made an extra pan for me to bring back to DC for SC. In explaining the differences between the Christmas lasagna and the DC-bound lasagna, my mother said, “This one has meat in it. We’ll eat that on Christmas. And it’s delicious. I don’t know what I did but it’s really good. Then this one – it’s lasagna… meatless. That’s for you and your friend.”