I am in a lousy mood today. Like real bad. And I don’t think I can just blame it on HC. Tho he is SO not helping. Nor can I blame it on the gloomy, gray view from my Dupont Circle apartment window. Tho also not helping. Nor can I blame it on anything really. I mean, I got a new job recently and have one more week of freedom to enjoy, HC and I just bought a house that I LOVE, and I had yet another really fun Friday with ALJ and JLJ followed by a fun Friday evening with AM.
Who can ask for more, right?
Well, apparently, I can.
Maybe it has something to do with this cold that seems intent on sticking with me as long as absolutely possible. Or maybe it has something to do with the apprehension I’m feeling about starting a new job, meeting new people, learning the proverbial ropes. Or maybe it’s losing my freedom by being forced into a five-day-a-week, 9-to-6 existence. Or maybe it’s because I am looking at a future without eating out or drinking out or going on vacation just so I can pay the bills. Or maybe it’s because it’s going on 4pm and I haven’t accomplished a thing yet today. Or it could be that the blueberries I was so looking forward to eating today are mushy.
Or maybe it’s the conversation that AM and I had last night. It wasn’t an out-of-the-ordinary convo for us. And it’s one that I’ve had multiple times with at least three or four different people in the last few months. (Yes, when I see a dead horse, I like to beat it.) But every time this particular topic comes up, I feel emotional broken afterward. Actually, I feel sorta like this:
(Sidebar: So when I did a google search for puddle, I kept running into photos of blood puddles. I considered using one of those images just for effect. But I thought it might be seen as a cry for help. Which it would not be. Rest assured, any cry for help I might make would NOT come in the form of a blog post. An email? Maybe. Over a cocktail? Definitely. On the blog? Not so much. Seems so desperate. Even for me.)
Okay, so the conversation really isn’t that deep or unique. AM wanted to talk friendships last night. Not a State of the Friendship between the two of us (tho I’ve had more than my fair share of those in the last few months, mostly because of my own doing), but a conversation about friendship generally and about our other friendships specifically.
Since that dark final quarter of 2008, I both can’t seem to talk about anything else and instantly regret talking about the topic of friendships. Something about memory lane – both the now distant past and the unfortunate recent past – sends me reeling.
And it’s probably in no small part because I feel pretty darn inadequate in the friendship department lately.
Well, whatever it is, I’m tired of feeling down. So I’m going to have to try to do something to snap out of it. I haven’t developed a plan just yet, but hopefully something will come to me….
Yeah, I got nothing. Damn it!